Smells like Pine Spirit...

I'm of the mind that the development of artificial pine scent has gone as far as is scientifically possible. This is as good as it gets, there's no where else to go. It's never going to smell any more like a real pine tree than it does now, so stop wasting good money and leave well-enough alone.

Not that I have anything against real pine. On the furniture evolutionary scale I'm well and truly entrenched in the Pine Age. It's just that I don't feel that your average pine tree is keeping up with the pace of modern life. Sure they're wonders of nature and all that, but aren't they just a little inflexible? I mean, with a few small refinements here and there, the pine tree could enter a whole new phase in its career.

I think the real focus of scientific endeavour should be to make a real pine tree smell more like Pine-O-Cleen. It's time we really served up a worthwhile challenge to those CSIRO boffins over at the Black Mountain labs. Years from now, when I walk into a neo-pine plantation I want to be able to take a great big snort and know I'm in a hospital-grade forest.

And while they're at it, how about doing something about those bloody pine needles and pine cones dropping all over the place. That stuff should be permanently attached and preferably made of some sort of shiny plastic so it's easy to rinse off with a hose when it gets a bit dusty.

And lose the roots, too, come to think of it. Nothing honks me off more than taking out the wheelie bins on a cold frosty morning in naught but my bathrobe, tripping over a bloody great pine root crack in the drive way and baring my lily-white arse for all to see. Fuck the roots. Pine trees should come with a portable fold-away plastic tripod which makes it easier to move them about the place when you feel like a bit of a change.

And would it hurt to make them a bit smaller? Many's the time I feel the need to surround myself with nature's beauty but couldn't be bothered shifting my arse from the couch. At times like these I want nature to come to me. I want a ready supply of lounge-room-sized neo-pine trees on hand to deploy about the place, but that can be packed away at a moment's notice. Versatility, that's all I'm asking for, Science! Man-sized, snack-sized, bite-sized…the Salada of the tree world. Is that too much to ask?

No, I don't think it is...